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School [13 May 2009|08:13pm]
 I do not love school, but I don't mind the opportunity to learn.

I am in danger of failing, but I believe I am starting to see the light that is attainable at the end of the tunnel if I continue to apply myself and not get sidetracked (please note that I am writing this instead of my 200 page report)

I am working harder than I've ever worked before, I am fighting to keep my place here in civil engineering.  I'm fighting for what I want and what I deserve.  It may be that I've failed myself in the past but I am NOT letting it happen this time, no way.  I will strive my hardest to earn what I've been working at so desperately these past 3 years:  an engineering degree.  I can't let three pieces of paper and a final report determine what will happen to me for the rest of my life, no way, no sir.

Three pieces of paper:  ENE Final (15%), Structures Final (30%), Soil Mechanics Final (20%)
From now on it's all about drinking water treatment, slope deflection, moment areas, deflected shapes, virtual work, soil strength, mohr's circles with principle stresses, and friction angles.

If I were to ace these finals, I will have redeemed myself and proven myself worthy of being here.  I believe I deserve that opportunity.

Wish me the best of luck
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meditative, scholarly [22 Mar 2009|04:41pm]
 So I suppose I was feeling a little bit upset last thursday about that catherine thing.  Just a little frustration release I suppose, but everything is excellent now.

So that thursday afternoon my friend josh arrived from keene NH (about 2 hours away) and we hung out and etc.  Drank some brewingtons, jammed out a little bit, had fun and everything else in between.  I actually skipped my only friday class, which means I've skipped three classes this semester so far.  I do, however, believe I have an A average right now so I'm not worried.  It WAS my new year's resolution to not miss any classes, so I'm keeping that as my resultion with an emphasis on maintaining the highest grades possible.  ANYWAYS,

so friday passed pretty uneventfully and we woke up later on in the afternoon or so.  We probably rocked out some more on friday / hung out and stuff, started drinking a little early probably, then went to see a band later that night.  They're called the nate wilson group and they're pretty amazing.  They play rock-type music with a little bit of a jammy feel, so good.  On an excellent side note, I'm listening to the most amazing band My Morning Jacket, awesome!

So the concert was awesome and incredibly loud.  I also asked a girl that I was dancing with if we could get together sometime and dance again, who then informed me that she was married ( ! )  I just said, "wow, I'm not even mad.  more surprised than anything."  I thought it was pretty funny though.  The concert just rocked my socks off after a very crazy-stressful week.

Saturday was pretty excellent, OM came up with his guitar and amp and we rocked all afternoon.  I'd say we played for about 7 hours total in the apartment all day.  We went down to main street to hang out and play guitar in the sun and it was beautiful.  I brought the snare drum and hi-hat when we saw this guy playing banjo.  We hopped in with him and just jammed some tunes together and it was fun.  Jeff (one of my roomates and band mate) noticed a girl who had been lab partners with him and he went over to ask her and her friend if they wanted to come chill at our place later that evening.
WELL it turned out that they are amazing girls, jenny being the quiet but cool one, and kate being the louder-more open-and really cool one.  Kate also came into our apartment and started playing my guitar and I almost fainted I was so attracted.  But yeah it was a lot of fun and I'm really glad we got to meet them.  I'll probably meet up with kate later in the week and we'll exchange our spring break stories and etc.

So yeah that was last weekend, and this past week I stayed up at school to volunteer for a research and development workshop for oil spills.  It was kind of a big deal and I was taken aback by how important it was, like the final report was being handed to a top advisor of president Obama.  It was cool though I guess, I got to sit in a room and record on a computer was a bunch of doctors and Phd's of environmental chemistry and forensics said (wicked hard if you're ever thinking of trying that in your life).  I had to tell them to stop a bunch of times because I was like "wtf is PAH??" and just confused about a lot of things in general, but it was a good learning experience none the less.

So I cannot bring my self to write anymore because I have kind of a lot to write about my stay in rhode island with my friend josh, but that will be for another time.  I need to wake up and write a report about.......dirt.  excellent.  oh, kay, bye
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[09 Mar 2009|03:48pm]
Yeah sorry I had to leave so early before the end of that last post.  I had a lab at 2 o'clock in the engineering building and jeff had to give me a ride b/c my head hurt so bad from walking on pavement alone.

The lab actually went pretty well and was pretty simple.  I do have a test tomorrow in structural analysis, a quiz in environmental engineering on thursday (5% of my grade, jaysus) and homework assignments due this week in structures and soil mechanics.  Yippadeedoo.

Plus I totally smashed my head yesterday.  I'm pretty sure I didn't have a concussion, but I stayed up very late last night and then only slept in half hour intervals to ensure that I didn't die in my sleep (I'm fine!  It's just like I told you, I'm probably a hypochondriac and was afraid when there was no actual reason to be).  Obviously, I'm still here and truckin'.  I do have a massive headache and so many cuts and bruises everywhere on my body.  I sincerely just wish I had somebody I could lay down with and play with my hair.

So this is what's happening in my existence so far.  Have a huge fundamentals of engineering test at the end of april that is impending its doom on my worries.  I bought a huge 65 dollar book to study for it though so it should probably go well.  I'm just probably going to be studying for it over spring break, Excellent!  :(

I am going to see this band on friday, the nate wilson group, and it should be excellent.  Thanks for listening
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Yesterday [09 Mar 2009|01:45pm]
 This past weekend was incredible, but I got a little fucked up yesterday.

My friends pete and joe had a kegger across the street on friday and that was just large amounts of fun.  I woke up saturday morning at 1130 or so and walked into our office in my boxers all hung over and guess who was there:  catherine (the girl I mentioned).  I was just like heeyyyy I'll go put clothes on.  But it was such a nice day, I was longboarding a little bit and catherine and andrew's girlfriend leah and I walked over to the store to grab some grub to cook.

We cooked out on our porch and it was excellent.  Playing catch with the football, some guitar, laughs, it was just great.  I was happy that we got to hang out.  Saturday night was also fun, we just had a few people over and hung out.  Not a big party or anything, I'd say ten people tops.  The cops showed up though because jeff and I were playing guitar and it was past midnight.  They were extremely nice though and did not fine us or do anything, just told us to shut the hell up.  EXACTLY like that.  j/k

So sunday I went to study in the engineering building, got a small and inconsequential amount of work done, then longboarded back to my apt.  Here's where it got bad.  I longboarded down this huge hill, got up to about 30mph, then flew off my longboard.  I scraped my body pretty bad and smashed my head, blood pouring everywhere.  I called the medics and they came in no time.  I didn't lose consciousness or anything but it sucked.  It especially sucked walking to class today and I couldn't help crying a little from the pain (MAN I love this Phish song 'roses are free').  I bought some advil though and expect to pull through.  Have two assignments and two tests this week though so I have to use my brain, which definitely hurts.

So everything is okay.  Oh yeah and yesterday I thought I was going to die (I am a hypochondriac) and went over to that girl catherine's apartment to tell her that I really like her and want to pursue her and hang out with her more.  She just kinda smiled when I told her I liked her.  I gotta go, will be BACK BYE
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Deep entanglements of the mind [01 Mar 2009|10:33pm]
[ mood | happy ]

 Hello.  I just read that last post and wanted to say that things are still going great.  Really great.  My classes are awesome, I'm staying on top of them, and my friends are awesome.

I just wrote a note on facebook attempting to explain some of my philosophical views on life, or at least the most important ones.  I don't know why, I guess I just wanted to get it out there to more people my views on life and how people should think deeply every day.  I basically just pointed out how I read a book about a year ago that entirely transformed my life.  I'm talking, changed my life forever and formed a permanent mindset that I never want to change.  It basically opened my eyes to the ridiculous and pointless doctrines of religion and got me into thinking of ways to explain to people that morals, kindness, and compassion are extremely important and are utterly achieveable without ever touching religion.

I've also recognized with great significance the need and comfort that some people derive from relgious doctrines.  My goal was not to offend anybody and for those who take a moderate stance on religion and would never purposely hurt anybody shan't take any heeding of the wrath with which I reserve for the idiocy, bigotry, hatred, manipulation, and guilt aspects of religion.  I've just dived into the philosophy of existence and goodness for the sake of being good.

Anyways, that was a relatively long explanation.  But I tagged my dad, two of my aunts, my brother and sister, cousins, and a lot of friends just to see their views on what I had to say.  Like an IDIOT, of course, I forgot to tag kaitlin and kurt, but if you read this post go and read my note.  I want everyone to read it.

I've been talking to that girl still and she stayed over last night.  NOT like THAT.  She just slept here with her roomate and we went down to my friend jeff's today to see all of his farm animals.  I really do like her and can't wait to hang out with her again.  I wish I had an appropriate exclamation for my current good mood...but they don't exist.

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[15 Feb 2009|06:39pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Hello there.  It's 2009 now and let me tell you, things are going so well that I can hardly believe it.

I don't even know where to start, but I guess I'll just go from how I was feeling last semester.  I generally just wasn't happy I guess.  I didn't have many vices and never quite came to terms with my lack of social interest.  I don't really know how to put that last part but it was definitely a big part of the problem.  Since it's been 2009, things have just been crazy.  Like, crazy awesome.  It's like I turned 21 and instantly everything changed.  And it's not because I can drink legally.  It's just, we started playing music in my apartment and it was like an explosion.  The most beautiful explosion I have ever experienced, and it has awed me and it almost had me in tears it was so good.  Jeff plays the keyboards and a little bass and Andrew plays the bass and guitar and I'm playing guitar.  We never jammed last semester (I don't know if we were too self-conscious or what?) and hence could have been the reason for it not being all that fun.

So we started jamming and we realized that we were really good at playing together.  Like, really good.  I solod my brains out, andrew had some sick beats going, and jeff was rocking the keyboard.  The craziest solos.  I still can't believe how awesome it was, how awesome it is, and just how much things have changed now.

We had a stupidly huge party at our apartment on friday night (probably because I invited about 12 billion people over on thursday night) and it was excellent.  At around 11:30 or so we started jamming and it got intense.  My friend galen and then brian hopped on the drums, jeff played keys, and brian's band's bassist brett hopped on the bass.  It was amazing.  It was the most intense adrenaline rush and it was beyond the feeling that I imagine any drug could ever attempt to give.  I'm just so much more positive now, I've found the vice, and I'm holding onto it with both hands now.

Also, I met a girl up here at school.  It's been so long since I've had a girlfriend so I'm not quite sure what the hell I'm doing but I'm excited.  My roomate Andrew's girlfriend Leah lives with her and we met when they came over to have dinner with us one night.  We didn't really say much but she was pretty, nice and likes good music.  score.  Yeah but like I said, I haven't had a gf or liked a girl in a while so I don't know if I'm being weird or doing things stupidly.  I made her a cd for valentine's day, trying to give her the full scope of what I like for music.  I don't really know if she liked it or not, she didn't really say much when I gave it to her, but she came and hung out with us.  She brought her flute and guitar to play some music but never really ended up playing anything.  It was fun to hang out, and jeff and I jammed for her.  I don't want to appear cocky, but hopefully I jammed it right and did some wooing.

So yes, everything's awesome.  You're awesome.  Bye

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[18 Nov 2008|05:41pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Not too much time now until the end of the semester.  I honestly am blown away at how freakin fast this semester has flown by.  I have by no means triumphed insanely this semester, but I believe I am going to survive it with much better grades than this time last year.

I'm trying to study for a philosophy exam that I have tomorrow while simultaneously trying to write up parts of a lab report for fluid mechanics and also write down my courses and crn numbers for next semester.  Time management doesn't appear to be my forte.  I also took my materials exam this past thursday and I think it went pretty well.  There were several questions on there that went either way but damnit if I can somehow achieve a B or higher on it I will be thrilled.  I can't hold out hope for anything in the case that it's so low that I'm thrown into the dumps again.

Yeah but I went home this past weekend and it went pretty well.  Nicole came all the way home from philadelphia and Travis came home from roger willams so all five of us were home together again.  I really do love my family and don't know how I'd ever manage without them.  On friday night we just hung around for a little while, the five of us, until mom and dad went to bed.  Travis went to see a movie so Nicole and I called up Kyle and he was at work.  We went over to Applebees to say hello and cousin amanda also showed up and it was cool to see them both.  Kyle came back to the house and brought two grams with him (yikes) so we hopped up into the clouds.  Travis also came downstairs and it was the first time he did that with nicole too so it was awesome.  It was funny after, we watched jim gaffigan videos online and these banned cartoon videos until it was four in the morning, at which point kyle left, I melted into the couch, and we all went to bed.  

I woke up semi early on saturday because I had the couch and I could hear the dogs and mom and dad getting ready to head to work.  I stole their bed after they left and slept until noon I believe, then mom made some french toast, which was delicious.  Her cooking is always ridiculously good.   But I think we just kinda hung around saturday for a while and I read a little bit.  I never told anybody I was coming home, not for any particular reason, I guess just because I didn't really want to see anybody.  I did want to swing by kaitlin's to say hello but I got back at a weird time on sunday so hopefully when I'm home for thanksgiving we can.  We went out to eat at an excellent mexican restaurant saturday night and it was nice to go out to dinner with the family again.  Mom and dad went to bed after a while, I poured myself some whiskey and ginger ale, and travis and I watched Sweeney Todd, which turned out to be a good but messed up movie if you ask me.

So then I came back here to school and the roomates were playing beer pong with the remainer of the beer from this past weekend.  They cooked a little bit and then we went upstairs to smoke and then devour the meal that awaited us downstairs.  Everything was going well, then michelle came over (she's totally awesome, it's just the stuff that she brought with her).  She brought over sour diesel (very powerful stuff) and we tossed it into the bong.  Andrew made so much smoke that he passed it onto me without having to rip it.  Now, I figured it couldn't have been that much smoke.  Fuckin, WRONG I was.  I felt like I was going to yak everywhere and couldn't stop coughing for 15 minutes it seemed.  Then I became extremely fucked up.  The worst feeling ever, I thought I was going to die.  I've been feeling kinda sick lately but for some reason all I could think was that I was going to die and that jesus and god were going to turn out to be real and I was going to burn in hell forever and nobody would care.  That's NOT supposed to happen, so I thought it was laced.  Well it just turns out I was supurbly stoned and too paranoid for my own good.  In other affairs, I am not going to participate in THC until vermont at least.

We have this week of school in which I need to accomplish the following:
- materials introduction
- obtain RAC number / register for classes

Actually not that much that I can think of, but plenty to do tonight.  Gotta get it done.

We only have two weeks of classes left after thanksgiving (crazy!)  Melancholy and the infinite sadness just came on by the smashing pumpkins, damned good song.  But yeah, we have this week, and classes monday, tuesday, wednesday next week and then I head home for thanksgiving.  So weird how time flies, and how down I sometimes feel about it.  In a positive light, we are going to vermont again the first week of december, friday the 5th.  I don't know why it is that I always have to know the date of everything, oh well.  

Cya later

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this funny little thing called 'existence' [10 Nov 2008|03:11pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

 Hello again.  I'm over in the library now cramming for my materials test on thursday.  I'm making a cheat sheet that I can use, but there's just so much freakin information to put on it.  I went in and recorded all the lectures I've missed in the class...and it amounts to five.  Five!  That's so terrible...but now I'm trying to redeem myself by kicking this next exam's ass.  I absolutely should not be writing in here but I can't help but get this off my mind.  I know for sure that I have a couple of the lectures available on slides on the blackboard account but I know for sure that there are some things that I am definitely going to be in the dark about.  I'm spending at least 20 hours of my life here in the library over the next three days so that I can force all of this information into my body.  Anyways...

So yeah last weekend went all right.  Friday was halloween like I said earlier, and I honestly don't remember most any of it.  It really was a terrible idea to drink so much but andrew and I just went overboard.  I'll never learn my lessons here.  So saturday just consisted of literally hanging around all day and feeling terrible and actually not drinking at all that night.  I sat around and watched independence day like 5 times and hung around with kagan a little bit.  I've been feeling really odd about my roomates.  I hate to say it..but I almost feel apprehensive about the fact that I'm living in an apartment this year.  I mean, it's cool to be on your own, but living in the dorms felt more academic and more conducive to being able to do my homework.  This is not entirely true, and I did waste much of my time by not introducing myself or meeting other people...but I keep telling myself I can't let this get in the way of my life at this point.  I suppose I'm feeling that I kept myself out of something amazing for absolutely no reason, and settled with not doing anything about not knowing anybody.  I'm rambling and definitely sounding depressed, but I suppose that's just the truth of the matter.  I can't help but wonder what I've done with my life these past two years except go to classes, talk to the same kids, hand in assignments, then drink on the weekend, only to have to recover a day, lose time to do assignments, procrastinate on them, sometimes not hand them in, and just fail to study for tests.  

It would be one thing if I was performing terribly with my academics by hanging out with people or going to do fun things with my friends...but it really just boils down to, and the truth of the matter, is that I can't get myself to do anything.  In my free time I'll look at videos or read websites, a total waste of time and once you're in that zone, there is no being able to study or do homework.  I even watch tv now, which sucks because I never used to watch tv.  Instead of going to hang out with somebody or playing guitar with somebody, the first thing I always turn to is the computer or the tv.  I have isolated myself for two years, and now I am paying for it.  It's no wonder I drink my problems away, because I feel like I am a problem myself.  I feel like I am too weird to get out there and do something, say hello, combine interests, etc. because I've lost it.  I never quite had it in high school, but now it's gone.  My guitar is alien to me, even though I'm trying to write songs now about the nature of what this entry has been about.  I don't talk to my friends at home and, even though I didn't lose them, it's not the same as if I went to school down there.  It's almost as if I went to the wrong school and too far away from home and that I'm fucked at this point in my life.  It's my own fault, of course, but damnit this just gets me down.  I don't know what to do, but I know I don't want to continue like this.  I have what many people would dream to have, but I've poisoned myself.  I am in exactly the same spot I was last year, minus the despair over the girl.  I can't even imagine trying to date a girl at this point in my life, that's how bad it has become.

I really have to go study now.  Wish me luck, and wish me luck with my life.  - a lonely soul

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fluid mechanics on the mind [10 Nov 2008|10:31am]
[ mood | hmmm ]

 I don't suppose I have a reason for writing in here..but I do.  I guess I just wanted to give a little update on my life and etc.

It's been about what, three weeks since I wrote in here last?  I believe that is the exact amount of time, nice.  The last entry was actually just me because I just needed to get some things out.  But yes, not much new to tell.  I've been having some fun I suppose, but I've just been living as I have been since school began.  I haven't really met many cool new kids, though I suppose I have met a few.  I've just been going to my classes and, of course, living in my perpetual thinking state.  Not that it really matters, but damn I think too much.  And the passage of time is always seeming to get to me.  This isn't meant to be a depressed entry so I'll cut it out.

Since I wrote in here last I went to burlington, VT with my buddies olivia and josh and it was pretty cool.  We visited josh's friend asha (pronounced 'asia' ) and just drank and had a few laughs.  It was pretty fun, but I was feeling sick for a lot of it so it was okay.  The next week went by as usual, in a usual haze of going to class, writing notes, handing in assignments, talking to some kids, walking places, and awaiting the weekend (every single week that I have at unh seems this way).  I also talked to my parents and stuff I think, I do love talking to them.  But that weekend was halloween weekend, and friday night (halloween) was fucking ridiculous.  I got back from class at 2:30 or so and was just feeling weird.  It basically did not feel like halloween and I was feeling ancy or something and just couldn't get myself to stop thinking about things.  Yeah, so I went out to buy emilie her eye patch for her pirate costume and when I got back to the apartment around 4:00 or so, andrew and leah were chilling on the couch watching tv.  I said hello to them as usual because they are awesome, and then we started drinking.  We took 3 or 4 shots in a couple minutes, then scott had to go somewhere and leah went back to her apartment I believe.  Andrew and I were kinda bored, so we just continued taking shots.  We played shot quarters to be specific, and it was ridiculous.  We both took like 9 shots in a matter of 20 minutes or so and we were immediately hammered.  I can hardly even remember people coming over I was so messed up.  Anyways, halloween was fun, but I just wish I could actually remember what happened.  So goes my history of drinking and forgetting EVERYTHING.  That wasn't meant to sound angry, I just couldn't make it italic for some reason.  Anyways, off to class and then I have to study so I'll take this compute of mine with me and finish this entry in the library.  Peace out

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[17 Oct 2008|05:36pm]
 Haven't done much of anything today.  Felt sick after drinking last night and literally hung around all day.

Going to the hockey game tonight with scottious and maybe kelly.  Maybe have some beers before the game.  Not sure why I'm writing in here
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Weird music [15 Oct 2008|03:09pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

 I'm listening to pandora right now, trying to train my triumvirat station.  Not that exhilerating but whatever.

So yes, I wrote that last post in my english class and couldn't really finish it because my teacher was coming around and making sure we were being productive.  I suppose this isn't productive.  But yeah I've been putting off assignments lately but not quite in a depressed way like I was feeling a few weeks earlier.  I can  recall times a year ago at this time where I would skip literally every class I had for days without a care because I didn't really want to be around anyways, then skip all assignments to a bare minimum to pass while maintaining a very unhealthy lifestyle of drinking and undernourishment.  Not so pleasant, but this has hardly been the case since last december when I realized that was an idiotic way to live and think.

I'd say everything is fine now, minus that ridiculously terrible grade I received in my materials class.  The world will not end, I simply have to bust my body to ensure that I can pull off a decent grade in the class!

So I did go home this weekend and it was definitely good to be in woonsocket again.  I remember when I used to go home freshman year how different it was.  The very first time I went home was possibly the weirdest and equally best experience of my life.  It was odd to see mom again at unh after having been going to classes, hanging out with totally new people, and drinking my face off for over a month away from home.  I was definitely excited because of sammie waiting for me at home and that definitely had to do with my excitement, but I can just remember how different it was to be at home.  It felt almost like an alien but comforting world to me that was accepting of my return.  Now when I go home I can still feel the time frame in which I was away, but it feels ominously different.  It basically just feels like I have relocated myself and am simply in a different section of the world.

I remember hanging out with kurt on friday night listening to mitch hedberg's new cd (which was deliciously funny I have to admit.  Odd to see that he pulled a tupac and released an album after dying).  Anyways, I recall smoking a cigar with him outside and just having this weird feeling that woonsocket wasn't quite my home anymore.  It kind of has to do with this whole barriers thing, like I felt that my hometown didn't quite share the beauty of the state I'm now in (new hampshire) simply because it is where I am from.  It is almost as if 'unfamiliar territory' (not so much anymore, as I've been up here) becomes the beautiful territory to me in contrast to the fact that territory is simply territory.  Or maybe I was just feeling a little weird that night.  For the sake of shorter explanations, let's just say it was that.

So yeah we hung out on friday and then I went home at around 10:30 to watch the rest of the red sox game with my parents.  The dogs barked obnoxiously like always, but it just woke my parents up so we could watch the game together.  It was an excellent game and ended with a 2-0 red sox victory.  Since then (today is wednesday 10/15), they have lost to the rays three times and are on their last legs.  ouch.

On saturday I woke up at around 10:30 because I couldn't seem to get out of my ridiculously comfortable bed.  I kinda just hung around for a little bit and helped my parents clean up the house.  We put travis' desk in my room which should be good for when I come home to study and the like.  I headed over to autumnfest with kurt at 3:00 or so to meet tom, nicole and smitty.  We hung around and talked for a little bit, saying hi to a couple of people that we saw.  It literally felt like we were there for only about half an hour before dan and I had to leave and head over to marie's.  It doesn't really matter or anything, but I thought nicole looked really good but anyways.

I went back home and kinda got a little wriled up with my parents because I thought I was going to be late for marie's surprise.  I didn't even wait for travis to come back home from his run and I just left the house to head over to marie's.  I felt bad on the drive over and sometimes beat myself up about beating myself up (I believe that might make some sense).

It was pretty cool over at marie's house, we just kinda hung around for about an hour before her and kevin showed up.  Dan was there, along with eric pierce, troy, kierra (cannot spell her name), this chick ashley, and this other guy and his girlfriend.  I remember him being hilarious.  Marie was pretty surprised when she came into the garage and we all yelled "surprise!!"  Travis showed up a couple minutes after that and we had fun hanging out and stuff.  I was drinking sam adams and it went straight into system, as I had eaten barely anything all day.  Travis and I played a couple games of beer pong together and he was ripping up, I was doing the exact opposite.  The kid never even plays!  Whatever, another reason to hate the game some more.  It was fun and om, tornado and kyle eventually showed up later.  I remember watching the red sox lose in the last half inning of the game and then consequently passing out, leaving myself at the mercy of om, tornade and kyle to marker fuck me.  Bastards.  I woke up with swastikas and racial designs on my body.  All from passing out with my shoes on.

So that was my weekend in a very short story as you can see.  Hahah, not really.  But yeah this should be a good rest of the week, we have no class this friday and I only have a fluids lab tonight and one class tomorrow.  It should be excellent, and I'm absolutely breaking my promise not to drink tomorrow.  I'm going to have myself a beer, listen to some more trium, maybe waste my brain with the tv, mail travis' freakin camera and then head to that excellent lab.  Wow this is long.  Peace out

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[13 Oct 2008|01:06pm]
I'm sitting in english class right now.  Just took an exam in my society and morals class and I'm pretty sure it went well.  I may have ended up with a B but the world will not end.

I received my materials exam today and I got the lowest grade in the class.  It's so low of a grade (14) that I'm not even upset, but more contemplative about things.  Not in a bad way, just curious as to what will happen now.  It will be scaled, of course, but that will be a joke for a 14.

I went home this weekend and it went pretty well.  Got to sleep in my bed again which was nice.  Hung out with my buddy kurt and  saw tom and nicole for about an hour and that was cool.  That night was Marie's 21st birthday surprise party and it went well.  Be back later
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happy ponderance [05 Oct 2008|11:09pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Hello there,

I swear it, this is the first time I write in here without loathe towards anything.  I don't really know how I can describe it, but I am trying to gain my peace with everything.  Ahh a great song just came on.  I've been listening to this internet thing called pandora for a while cuz I lost my external hard-drive power cable.  All would have been lost without this station.

Anyways, so I finally came here today and gave these designs my best shot and it's actually working.  I kinda ran into some snags here and there but I'm not going to worry about it too much.  I'm not going to be really laid back all of a sudden now, but I just realized earlier tonight that I'm just freakin happy to be here.  The feeling definitely stemmed from a debate I was watching ealier between a hero of mine and a rabbi.  It had to do with my whole coalescence away from religion kick that I'm on, but it basically just made me realize that I only have one freakin chance at this thing, life.

So this week should prove interesting.  In more amazing terms...PHISH IS TOURING!!  The greatest band to ever live is back alive and touring in 2009!  I met this guy keith last night actually, and he's a huge fan.  So it may be that we travel down to virginia this coming spring break to see the greatest band ever. 

Anyways, I'm pumped.  That's all I had to say, even though I definitely have a lot more to say.  Back to CAD and some fun tomorrow

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melancholy music and happy pencils [29 Sep 2008|03:36pm]
Not quite sure why I'm writing in here when I have a mountain of homework to do.  A literal geotechnic heap of material, just kidding.  I bet that doesn't even make sense.

I went to vermont this past weekend with some friends.  Scott has a house up next to woodstock and we've been up there a few times already.  A rather large fight ensued, however, and kinda ruined our first evening.  One of the guys who painted for scott and who we've become friends with over the summer started some arguing with my good friend josh and he was very drunk (mike is his name).  I was also well on my way and was really sad to see people arguing.  Mike and his girlfriend ended up leaving, even though she most definitely should not have been driving.  It was still an excellent weekend after that.

I did come to realize something though.  I've been feeling very wayward lately and I don't think I've actually found the reason or the cure, but maybe a beginning.  I woke up today and felt like I do most days lately;  just kinda melancholy and not really knowing what to do with myself.  So I just kind of came to the conclusion that I'm going to take it easy from now on.  Not take it easy in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense that I'm going to dry not drinking or doing any other mind altering substances anymore.  I think I'm just going to focus on myself and feeling better about everything.  Cliche you may say, but I don't really care.

I've also thought about dropping a class that I'm taking.  That CAD class hasn't really been going that well, as I've been leaving it on the back burner.  I have a project that is due today that I wasn't even able to start last thursday because I couldn't figure out the angle of the outside layer of everything.  I have a fluid mechanics test on thursday, a lab report due wednesday, lab to attend on wednesday, an english project to hand in wednesday afternoon, yet another cad project that will be due next monday, on top of the project that is due today that I cannot hand in.  Not to mention, I'll probably end up having fluids and materials homework.  fdjsafosd engineering is so depressing sometimes.  

Anyways, just had to get that off my back I guess.  Cya
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Jesus [22 Sep 2008|10:19am]
[ mood | blank ]

So I suppose I went a little over the top up there ^ !  I was in the cad lab when I wrote that and was having extreme trouble liking the world and etc.  I'm back in my apartment now and I have class in a little more than half an hour.  I spent some time thinking last night and talking to my friend emilie and felt a lot better about everything.

I mean an indication of why I start feeling bad when I'm trying to do work is that I never really know what to do first.  When I'm in class I very much understand the material and want very much to do well in my school work.  It's just after class and when sitting down at the desk ready to dive in or pulling up a blank document that I instantly draw a blank and start to freak.  I wrote a resume and almost finished my cover letter this morning and realized that once I get in the zone everything is just fine.  Plus I think I need to get back in shape cuz damn, I don't do that much!

Anyways, this is supposed to be a much better post and to just let you know that everything is going to be fine.  I had been holding in the frustration for a little while and this definitely helped and I appreciate it.  I'm blasting lynyrd skynyrd right now and doing pushups and it's awesome.

I'll see how that cad project turns out and if it ends up negatively I'm just going to move on from there.  I have a lot more assignments and a lot more material to understand and I'm just going to do the most important things first.  But yeah I was talking to my friend emilie last night and I sometimes wonder about us.  I mean I came to the realization that my having a beard etc. not really caring what people think is partially derived from my lack of wanting to muddle my mind with the complications of women and such (no offense to women out there, I DO think you are all great).

I must go to class now, more for later

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School, 0gnvkla-[pwefdasfefveveway453 [21 Sep 2008|08:21pm]
I never thought that these intense feelings could come back.  It is september 21st and already I hate my life.  I hate school so much that I just want to get the fuck away, I'm not even kidding.  This happened last year too, and the same exact feelings happened.  This is really, really horrible.

I had a very very good plan to do very well this year.  I was going to be on top of my work, plan on not drinking, be a good student, blah, blah.  But I just don't think I'm cut out for this shit.  I can't stand my major, I literally hate everything about it and feel alienated about EVERYTHING.  Granted, sometimes this stuff is interesting but I can't stand to draw another line in this stupid fucking computer aided design class that I'm taking and I'm riding on the edge, I really am.  I had 4 fucking days to do these very VERY simple assignments and couldn't even bring myself to pick up a pen or open microsoft word.  I had a paper due last monday, a job resume and cover letter due friday (haven't handed both of those in) had a cad project due last monday (didn't hand that in yet either) and the computer ERASED what I had done on it so I have to waste 2 more hours redrawing what I already did, I have to finish the introduction section of a fluid mechanics lab report, and, to top it off, I'm depressed as hell.  Yippidy fucking doo.

I'm glad to get this off my chest but I am despondent.  I can't take a step, open a door, write a sentence, do a calculation, or do anything without first remembering my existential despair that is dominating my stupid life.  What the fuck.  And I hate religion, I miss home, I lied to my parents about not going home, ignored several calls from my cousin, can't think of anything to do EVER, and all I really do is get wasted and laugh a lot about how upset I am at all moments of the day.  What the FUCK should I do?
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just a little bit o stuff [11 Jul 2008|12:38pm]
[ mood | calm ]

 So here I am again.  I'm sitting here in the apt putting some old cd's that I have onto my computer.  It really is a funny thing to be dealing with cd's again, as I never really play them anymore.  I'm listening to jesus of suburbia on bullet in a bible right now and it sounds awesome, just like I'm at the show.

Everything's going a little bit better up here in new hampshire.  I"m still painting but I'm feeling better about the whole apartment situation.  My friend Scott, who is also my boss, and I are getting along much better these days.  It was just so tough living with him and his girlfriend at the same time that now it's so much easier.  brb.

Alright, just had to switch cd's.  I'm in green day mode today and I'm putting all my 'smoking pot for a day' stuff on the comp.  (just because that's what a 'green day' is).  I don't really feel like writing anymore, but hell yeah.

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much too early [29 Jun 2008|08:46am]
Here I am again, writing within hours of the last time.  I was actually happy that I could just hang out alone last night.  Being in an apartment and living in a dorm before taught me the beauty of moments that you can be alone.

I went to bed really early last night, at like 7:30 or 8:00.  It was so early that I got up at around 5 or 6 this morning and now I'm all foggy and stuff.  I've been feeling a little sick too for some reason.  It's funny because my parents and sister keep asking me if I'm eating well and I'm eating OK but I'm just so lazy to go and make something all the time.

I talked to kurt last night and it was nice to hear from him again.  We were just talking about george carlin and how he was supposed to go see him...I don't know if you heard..but he died just this past sunday I think it was.  I actually was really sad when I read that because I hadn't been watching the news or anything.  I felt bad that I only saw that he died on facebook.  I suppose I really thought about it cuz I remembered listening to him on break once when I still worked at stop and shop.  And that just reminded me of those days and man I really just almost started crying.  I'm not in a terrible mood right now, don't be fooled, I'm just writing down what's going on.

I've been having a lot of fun up here so far.  Work during the week is gruelling, with us getting up at 600 or 630 usually.  I think we've painted five or six houses so far and it's been going well.  I just want to make a lot of money to pay for the year because this apartment really is expensive.  I missed bonnaroo though...and I freakin regret every second of missing it.  Dan, Kevin, OMJ, Jess, and a bunch of other people all went down and had a freakin awesome time.  

I'll finish this later, I gotta go watch ghostbusters and chill out.
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heyyy [28 Jun 2008|06:39pm]
So I'm just hanging out in the apt right now.  I'm actually by myself having quite the time.  I'm doing a power century which could probably be a terrible idea but whatever.

I have a terrible confession to make.  I house-sat with OMJ a couple weeks back when I was home in Rhode Island for a couple of weeks and it was awesome.  On the last night, however, this girl came over and we were all hanging out and having a good time.  Now, we started getting a little rowdy and did some things that probably shouldn't have been done.  Unless I was wearing something.  You dig?  Anyways, it was awesome, but I keep getting the feeling I now have something (disease) that will probably kill me and end this awesome time that I'm having early.  Shit.

Anyways, back to the power century.  Thank you for listening.
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Summer in full [22 Jun 2008|05:25pm]
[ mood | tired ]

 So I'm just hangin in my new apartment right now with my buddy scott playing some of that good old phish music.  We had a pretty big party last night and I suppose it got a little out of hand.  Well, rephrased, I got a little out of hand.  One of the other painter buddies of mine was here with his girlfriend and we were playing beer pong, etc., party activities extra-ordinaire.  Scott showed up late but my buddy jeff also was up here and we were having a lot of fun.  One of my buddies from SAE called me though and wanted me to come hang out at a party and nobody here wanted to leave.  So I remember the rest of the night going something like this:  I leave the apt with a backpack full of beer, find my friend, go to two or three random parties, can't get into the apt, see lots of police walking around, get scared, scott lets me in and we start fighting over something.  Here's how it really went:
I was hammered, left the apartment with a beer in my hand (smart call man), had no fun at the other parties, and scott and I almost got into a fight when I came back because he said something that really made me angry.  So in a way he instigated it but whatever, I always feel bad the day after some event like that.  

Despite that, everything's actually going really well.  I paint 5 days a week with these two other great guys craig and andrew.  craig is my age, 20, and lives right down the road.   Andy is 22 and basically the man as well.  We have so much fun working together, being sarcastic and whatnot.

Yeah I started this entry like 7 hours ago now and now I'm just finishing it.  I actually went out to market jobs with scott who's my good friend from freshmen and sophomore year of college and who's technically also my boss.  We dropped a little over 300 fliers / taped them to the poles of people's mail boxes and one lady got very upset.  She jumped out of her car to scream at me, "that's illegal, you can't do that!"  So I just shot back with, "actually, it's only illegal to put them in the mail box, not tape them.  So relax."  I was kinda nervous but it was pretty funny.  Long story short, it was an OK day of marketing.  Scott, Alex, and I just watched wedding crashers and cleaned some dishes to get the apartment looking pretty presentable.  It's going well so far I think.
Time really is flying by though, it's kinda scaring me.  I basically get up at 6 or so everyday and we just prep and paint houses all day till around 5 or 6.  I mean, I made somewhat of a killing in my first paycheck but it's very demanding work.  I actually should not be awake right now (it's 1:00 am), cuz I'm really gonna be hurting tomorrow.  I don't know what it is though, I love staying up late at night, for no reason really.

Yeah but anyway, last night I also went over to these other kids' apartment two over from ours, but it's a little more interesting than that.  Our first or second night in the coops, one of my roomates, Jeff, brought over a lot of furniture and we bought a lot of alcohol and brought a lot of people over.  My parents took me shopping and helped me with a lot of things and took me out to eat before they left back for rhode island, and that's when we partied.  I was passed out at this point, but two guys from that apartment next to us came over and partied a little bit and really insulted some girls who were here, so, naturally, they were thrown out.  Somebody went outside later and saw one of them letting the air out of scott's girlfriend's tires, so they just fucked with us and we hate them.  My rationale for going over there and partying with them last night was kinda to get a good view of the lion's den.  We know we hate them, but I wanted to go over and hang out and show them that it's cool, you know, in case they wanted to try and break in or let the air out of my tires and whatnot.  so it's cool I guess.

I suppose I should go to sleep now, nice early day tomorrow.  Nothing that a coffee and a couple of doughnuts can't handle, mind you.  It feels really good to write my thoughts down in here.  I was reading some previous entries and it really does feel good to remember some things about my life.  Anyways, gotta head out I guess.  I definitely have a lot more to write about in here, but that's for another time.  Peace out

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